Election Watch
November 3, 2004

A Post-Election Reflection
I'm Jeff Williams and I authorize this parody.

‘Twas the day post election, and all through the state,
The challengers were watching, poised to litigate.
The chads were on ballots, still pregnant and hanging,
And poor ol’ Ralph Nader was still out campaigning.

The electorate was nestled all snug in their homes,
Convinced that the pollsters would soon turn back into gnomes.
And Republicans in red states, and Democrats in blue,
Were downing coffee by the gallon so no one would snooze.

2004 was like no other election,
Causing many to seek registered voter protection.
As last evening progressed, each side feigned to play nice
And everyone wondered, “Can Florida screw up twice?”

For Republicans, Abu Ghraib was the sticky wicket,
But they hoped Kerry would vote for, then against, his own ticket.
Democrats, as well, harbored dreams practical and zany,
Debating whether Bush could vote without guidance from Cheney.

Who can remember the start, more than one year ago,
Without shuddering a little, and shouting, “Oh, no!”
More prolific than bunnies, the Democrats came,
And we whistled and shouted and rallied them by name:

"Now Sharpton! Now Gephardt!
Now, Edwards and Kucinich!”
Who, everyone knows,
Eats beets, roots, and spinach.
From the cornfields of Iowa
To the conventions in fall.
Now dash away! Dash away!
(Oops—Dashle may fall!)

Like red meat that before the wild media beast fly,
When campaigns meet with obstacles, many will die.
First down was Moseley, then Gephardt, then Graham,
Followed in February by Lieberman, Al Gore’s running man.

Sharpton stayed around and caused quite a scene,
But nothing so vivid as the sound of Dean’s scream
Then Edwards met Kerry. Zounds! We have a race!
And the Bush fundraising machine snapped into place.

For to interest millions of voters during Apprentice and Survivor
You must cut through the clutter, like a pro wrestler’s pile driver.
Voters cannot ignore, or turn the other cheek,
With the ad buy so great—$60 million just last week.

The mud—how prolific! The distortions, how merry!
Swift boat colleagues took arms, and tried to sink Kerry.
Then Texans for Truth took aim at George Bush
But their rhetoric was viewed as a great deal of mush.
Until a memo appeared, and got folks in a lather,
And snookered both CBS and anchor Dan Rather.
Even a surprise last-minute tape by the missing Osama
Failed to break the horse race and unfolding drama.

So voters lined up at polls near and far,
Some even saw Katherine Harris nearly clipped by a car.
The surveys were close and the exit polls tight,
And pundits settled in for a hot air–filled night.

The Michigan House: stays Republican. Congress stays there, too.
Proposal 1 sailed by, the same held for Proposal 2.
As for the president, we're waiting, and hoping to find
A name for our leader today before dinner time.

For democracy is rough, and the popular vote not always certain.
As we wait to find out what happened behind voter booth curtains.
So the pundits exclaimed, as election day ran very late,

“You think this was bad? Just wait until 2008!"

(Apologies are offered to Clement Clarke Moore.)

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